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THE PARLOR PATRIOTS 



COMEDY 



BY 



Dorothy Donnell Calhoun 



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THE PARLOR PATRIOTS 

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 
FOR GIRLS 

By 

DOROTHY DONNELL CALHOUN 



Author of 

''Cupid's Column,'* 
'One Hundred Per Cent American,'" Etc, 



Copyright, 1918, by 
FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Vesey Street New York 






V\ 



DEC -7 ISI8 



T/M 



\ 



TMP92-008785 



^ 



THE PARLOR PATRIOTS 



CHARACTERS 

Madame Astorbilt Leader of tJie Four Hundred 

Mrs. De Peyster Smythe 

Social Climber y President of tJie "Society for Learn- 
ing the Words of Our National Songs'* 

Flossibelle 

Her daughter, seventeen, hut forced to pass as a 
child to keep her mother young 

Cora Brekenridge-Allenby-Castleton-Jones 

A much married lady, "Head of the Pink Tea for 
Pale Lieutenants Association'' 

Miss Trya Gain 

A romantic spinster, secretary of the Organization 
for "Smoothing the Foreheads of Wounded He- 
roes" 

IMrs. Lotta Fadde 

Chairman of the Committee for providing "Em- 
broidered Pyjamas for Commissioned Officers" 

Gladys Gusher A newspaper reporter 

' Arriet 'Obbs An English maid 

Lady Agnes Agnew 

Decorated by all the crowned heads of Europe for 
her war work 

Madame Percelle 

Parisian Beauty Doctor from Hoboken 

Nora Flossibelle' s nurse 

Chloe The cook 

Time. — To-day. Locality. — New York. 

Time of Representation. — One hour. 

3 



4 The Parlor Patriots 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Flossibelle. Knee-length skirts, a beruffled babyish 
dress, sash and hair ribbons. Change to stylish dress. 

Mrs. Brekenridge. Military costume. 

Mrs. Lotta Fadde. Military costume. 

Gladys Gusher. Mannish-dressed reporter. 

'Arriett 'Obbs. Maid's costume, change to weird 
street-gown absolutely covered with medals, ribbons and 
orders ; a weird tilting ostrich hat, and yellow gloves. 

Lady Agnes Agnew. Street dress, change to maid's 
costume. 

Madame Percelle. Very stylish, smart street dress. 

Others. Appropriate to characters portrayed. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

A letter, hair-curlers and chin-strap for Mrs. Smythe. 
A broken doll, lace and ribbon hat for Nora. Mixing 
spoon and valise for Chloe. Bags, bundles, boxes, pow- 
der-puff for Mme. Percelle. Note-book, card for 
Gladys. Tea wagon with china, silver, sandwiches for 
Lady Agnes. 



THE PARLOR PATRIOTS 



Scene. — The reception room of Mrs. De Peyster 
Smythe's city residence, elaborately furnished with 
ornate objects. At the back stands a piano or book- 
case, loaded with vases, statuary, etc. Doors right 
and left. At one side a divan with a table beside it 
on which are many ornaments. The divan is loaded 
with elaborate cushions. Gay-colored curtains hang 
over window beside the piano, gay rugs on the floors, 
many pictures in gilt frames crowded on the lualls. 
Chairs are arranged, about the room, and a mirror 
hangs on the other side of the piano. There should 
be a piano behind the scenes where the incidental 
patriotic music can be played out of sight of the 
audience. Door bell and telephone off stage. At 
rise the stage is empty, but the door bell is heard 
pealing shrilly and continuously off l. Chloe 
ENTERS R., rolling down her sleeves over her 
floury black arms and calling back over her shoul- 
der to someone outside. 

Chloe. Yes, yes, Missus Smiff, Ah done heerd de 
bell but Ah was spang in de oven, a-brownin ' and a-risin * 
beautiful and Ah couldn't leab! (She waddles across 
the room to door r., muttering indignantly as she goes) 
Done 'spcts a body to cook wif one hand an' answer 
door bells wif de odder! Ah suttingly hopes dat dere 
advertising-ment will fotch a maid today ! (She EXITS 
to REAPPEAR immediately with Cora Breckenridge- 
Allenby-Castleton-Jones and Mrs. Lotta Padde, each 
in a startling military costume) 

Cora (to ChloeJ. Tell Mrs. Smythe that Mrs. Lotta 
Fadde and Cora Breckenridge-AUenby-Castleton-Jones 
are here to see her. 

5 



6 The Parlor Patriots 

Chloe (sliglitlij dazed) . Yes ma'am. {As she EXITS 
R.) Dat cake '11 be burned brack as mah face afore Ah 
kin pernouncify dat four-layered name. (She EXITS 
door R. The ladies regard each other's costumes with 
critical eye) 

Mrs. Fadde (gushingly). What a perfect sweet uni- 
form, and the puttees are simply dear! Of course, the 
way it's cut does make you look a little stout and the 
color does give your skin a sallow tinge, but one has to 
make some sacrifices for one 's country ! 

Cora (sweetly). Yes indeed! When I saw you go- 
ing by the house the other day in that uniform I said 
to myself, ' ' All the heroes aren 't in the trenches ! ' ' Tell 
me, dear, what is that insignia that looks so much like 
an egg-beater on the collar? 

Mrs. Fadde. That means that I am a Major General 
of the League for ''Providing Embroidered Pyjamas 
for Commissioned Officers." It's the same rank as that 
dear creature, Pershing, I believe. All of our members 
are Major Generals so that we won't have to salute each 
other. It's such a bore with all the hand-bags and 
things one carries nowadays! 

Cora (continuing to gaze at the uniform). Such a 
striking color — purple! I suppose that's why you gave 
up wearing red hair, isn 't it ? 

Mrs. Fadde (tragically). No, it's all on account of 
this dreadful war. You simply cannot trust the dyes 
you get nowadays. Arrabella Parkinson had her hair 
dyed broAvn to match a perfectly stunning set of mink 
furs she bought the other day and it came out pea- 
green! Isn't that tragic! My dear, it's simply appall- 
ing what war means to us women ! 

Mrs. Smythe (who has ENTERED, door r., in time 
to catch the last ivords,, sinking wearily into a chair). 
It is, indeed! I'm nearly worn out playing cards for 
war charities, and with all the Serbian Relief Lunch- 
eons I've attended and the pink lemonade I've drunk 
for the Belgians at bazaars my digestion is all out of 
order. But as President of the Society ''For Learning 
the Words of Our National Songs" I cannot shirk my 



The Parlor Patriots 7 

patriotic duties. I hope you're coming to the tea this 
afternoon ? 

The Other Two (in chorus). Then she's accepted? 

Mrs. Smythe (triiimpliantly showing a letter on the 
table). ''Mrs. Astorbilt accepts with pleasure Mrs. 
De Peyster Smythe 's kind invitation to meet Lady Agnes 
Agnew at four o'clock Thursday afternoon." Doesn't 
that sound as though she were coming ? 

Cora (clasping her hands). The Leader of the Four 
Hundred! My dear, you have arrived, you have posi- 
tively arrived! As some of my husbands used to say, 
Tom, I think it was, or perhaps Dick or Harry — ''If a 
woman doesn't get what she wants it's because she 
doesn 't know what she wants ! ' ' Mrs. Junius K. Astor- 
bilt drinking tea in this very room, this very chair per- 
haps. (She regards it respectfidly ) It's a miracle! 

Mrs. Fadde. Patriotism is all the rage nowadays. 
(Glances into the mirror complacently ) And so much 
more becoming to most of us than ' ' Votes for Women ' ' or 
' ' Bahaism ! ' ' But it was certainly clever of you, dear, to 
think of getting a title for tea. Lady Agnes Agnew! 
How should one address her, I wonder? Your High- 
ness? Her Grace? My Lady? Or perhaps Ladyship 
is more respectful. (Voices off stage are heard, raised 
in dispute, accompanied by thumps and kicking of feet) 

Nora's Voice (pleadingly). Coom, coom. Miss Flossi- 
belle, carry your doll prettily, thot's a noice gurrul! 

Flossibelle 's Voice (furiously). I won't carry a 
silly old doll! I won't be a nice little girl! (A loud 
crash as of the breaking of some china object) So there ! 
(More crashes) And there! (Another crash) And 
there ! 

Mrs. Smythe (tenderly). Ah, here comes my little 
angel, my precious pet, my baby, my lambkins ! (^Flos- 
sibelle and her nurse ENTER, d. r., the nurse a small, 
scared person carrying a wrecked doll and a lace and 
ribbon hat such as children wear. Flossibelle wears 
knee-length skirts, a beruffled babyish dress, sash and 
hair ribbons, in spite of the fact that she is so tall she 
towers over everyone present) 



8 The Parlor Patriots 

Mrs. Smythe (drawing Tier down to her knee where 
she completely obscures her mother from view). Come 
kiss your mama, Baby, then say how-do-you-do prettily 
to these ladies. ^Flossibelle sulkily complies. She 
makes a courtsy to the amazed visitors who look up at 
her through their lorgnettes) 

Flossibelle. How-do-you-do 1 

Cora. What an extraordinary child? And how old 
are you, my dear? 

Flossibelle (violently). I don't remember. How 
old am I, Ma? 

Mrs. Smythe (sweetly). Nine, my pet, nine. (To 
her visitors) Doesn't it seem absurd for a girl of my 
age to have a nine-year-old daughter? But, of course, 
I married from the schoolroom! 

Mrs. Fadde (with slight emphasis). Very absurd! 
I 'm sure no one would believe it — if you didn 't tell them 
so, of course I mean, dear. 

Cora (rising). Good gracious, it 's getting late ! One 
of my husbands — Dick, I think, or possibly Tom or 
Harr}^ used to say ''face powder has changed more des- 
tinies than gun powder." This afternoon may be the 
turning point in our social careers so we must take time 
to make ourselves beautiful. 

Mrs. Fadde (cattishly). Yes, indeed, dear, you will 
need a great deal of time to do that! (To Mrs. Smythej 
Good-bye till later. I 'm all in a flutter, I declare ! 

Mrs. Smythe (shaking hands). At four remember. 
Good-bye, my love, good-bye, my dear — good-bye — good- 
bj^e — good-bye. (She continues to wave for some mo- 
mients after they have gone out l,.) 

Mrs. Fadde 's Voice (trailing hack). Do you think 
Your Worship would be a more de rigeur way of ad- 
dressing her? Or perhaps Her Eminence? I must 
look it up in the encyclopedia. 

Nora (turning despairingly to Mrs. Smythe J. If you 
plaze'm such a time as Oi've had getting her dressed. 
Whiniver Oi wint where she was sure an' she wasn't 
there at all, at all. 

Mrs. Smythe (reproachfidly). Flossibelle! I am 



The Parlor Patriots 9 

surprised — I am grieved — I am deeply chagrined that 
my little girl 

Flossibelle (violently). Ma! I want to grow up! 
I'm tired of having so many legs. I'm tired of wearing 
these fool ribbons and looking like a — a maypole. I 
want to be seventeen and put my hair up and my skirts 
down. 

Mrs. Smythe (falling hack on the divan with a 
shriek). Cruel, ungrateful, unnatural, selfish, heartless 
child ! Would you make an old woman of your mother ? 
After all my struggles to get into society in spite of 
your father's making his money in a p — patent 1 — lock 
g — garbage p — pail to have my own, my only child desert 
me at the very moment of success! Oh! Oh! Oh! 
(She weeps violently and Flossibelle relents) 

Flossibelle (unwillingly). Well, I suppose I can 
stand it a little bit longer, but only a little bit. And no 
matter what you say I simply will not carry a doll. 
(She snatches the broken one from Nora and fires it 
under the couch violently) 

Mrs. Smythe (brightening). That's my angel-child. 
Now let Nora tie on your hattie and take you for a nice 
walkums in the park before you come to Mama's tea 
party. ("Nora has to climb onto a chair to tie on the 
ridiculous hat. Flossibelle scowls) There, now you 
look like my ownest ownty own. Have a nice walk and 
{Calling after tliem as they EXIT l.) be sure to hold 
tight to Nora's hand. (As they EXIT, the door hell 
rings. Mrs. Smythe rtms to door r.) Dear me, I won- 
der who that is. I mustn't be seen this way. (She EX- 
ITS R. as Chloe, still clutching a mixing-spoon, EN- 
TERS, crosses to door l. and ushers in Lady Agnes 
Agnew, a plainly dressed, retiring little woman and her 
maid, 'Arriett 'Obbs, in maid's garb) 

Lady Agnes (hesitating). I think Mrs. Smythe is 
expecting me, though I am rather early. Will you tell 
her please, that 

Chloe (brandishing her spoon). Lan' a-libbin', 
Honey, no use tellin ' me who yo ' are. When mah mind 's 
in mah mixin' bowl, Ah couldn't recomimber mah own 



lo The Parlor Patriots 

name. Set yo'se'f down somers and I'll tell de Missus 
yo're here jest as soon as Ah gits mah cake in. (Mov- 
ing towards door r.) Sure's yo' borned, if thar doesn't 
scmebuddy answer dat adv 'rtising-ment for a maid 
pretty quick Ah 'm af card Ah 'm liable to f ergit Ah ever 
sperienced religion. ("EXITS R. as Lady Agnes seats 
Jierself in a deep chair with her hack to the rest of the 
room, thus almost concealing her from sight. The maid 
stands respectfidly hy her side) 

Lady Agnes (sadly^). These society women eat cake 
while there are hundreds of children in Belgium starv- 
ing for a crust of bread. If they could see what I have 
seen — however, most American women are doing mag- 
nificent war work, making surgical dressings, raising 
funds for the destitute, conserving food. They are true 
patriots. (The telephone hell rings off R. Mrs. Smythe's 
voice is heard speaking) 

Mrs. Smythe (off r.). Yes, this is Mrs. De Peyster 
Smythe vv^ho is giving a tea this afternoon. Is this the 
Society Editor of the Daily Gahhle? You are sending 
a reporter to write up the affair as I requested? Be 
sure to say that I consented to be interviewed only with 
extreme reluctance; mention the fact that I am Presi- 
dent of the ''Society for Learning the Words of Our 
National Songs," well known for my patriotic activi- 
ties 

Lady Agnes (listening indignantly). Disgraceful ! 

Mrs. Smythe (continuing). Emphasize the fact that 
Lady Agnes Agnew has been decorated by all the 
crowned heads of Europe 

Lady Agnes (angrily). Infamous! 

Mrs. Smythe (continuing). Lay especial stress upon 
the fact that this afternoon's affair will be attended by 
Madam Junius K. Astorbilt, the leader of New York 
Society. I feel confident that my future social success 
is assured if I receive a good newspaper notice 

Lady Agnes (thoroughly indignant). Do you hear 
that, Hobbs? A woman that would take up patriotism 
like any other fad for the sake of furthering her o^vn 
selfish ambitions ought to be shown up in her true col- 



The Parlor Patriots ii 

ors — she should be made the laughing stock of the en- 
tire country ! 

HoBBS (with feeling). H 'indeed, yes, my lydy, h'and 
beggin' your pardon for the liberty Hi 'ave an h'idea 
'ow h'it can be done. 

Lady Agnes (tJiouglit fully). After all, why not? I 
came to this country to arouse interest in war work, not 
to act as a social stepping stone for a few silly women. 
The only way to appeal to such people is through their 
vanity. (SJie Jiesitafes) 

Mrs. Smythe (still off r.). You will send Gertie 
Gusher, author of ' ' Love Lore for the Love Lorn, " ' ' Bal- 
derbash for the Betrothed," and ''Why Husbands 
Leave Home?" Splendid! At four, then, — good- 
bye 

Lady Agnes (Jiurriedly leaning toivard her maid). 
What was your plan, Hobbs? (The maid whispers) 
Splendid ! Excellent ! Go back to the hotel at once, put 
on your best things — the hat with the ostrich feathers, 
oh, yes, and all my medals and ribbons and decorations. 
Return at four. Be sure to show no surprise whatever 
you find me doing. You understand? 

HoBBS (with emphasis). H'o yes, h 'indeed, Lydy 
H 'agues, H'i h 'understand h 'exactly? (She EXITS L. 
as Mrs. Smythe ENTERS r. Lady Agnes rises to meet 
her, very deferentially and humbly) 

Lady Agnes (softly). Excuse me, mum, but I heard 
you were looking for a maid. 

Mrs. Smythe (ivith relief). I suppose you came in 
answer to my advertisement? You seem like a neat, 
sober, respectable person. Do you know your place? 
I am very particular that my servants should know their 
places. 

Lady Agnes. I think I understand my place, mum. 

Mrs. Smythe. Thirty a month and every other Sun- 
day off and no policemen in the kitchen. What size are 
you? Thirty-six I should say — I never take a maid who 
can wear the same size clothes as myself. Have you had 
experience in waiting on people? 

Lady Agnes (smiling). I have had a great deal of 



12 The Parlor Patriots 

experience in waiting on people in the last four years, 
mum. 

Mrs. Smythe. Very well. I will look at your refer- 
ences another time. I am giving a tea this afternoon and 
you have just time to put on your costume and prepare 
the table. By the way, what is your name? 

Lady Agnes (taking off Tier liat and coat). You may 
call me Hobbs, if you please, mum. 

Mrs. Smythe ( impressively ). Hobbs, I want you to 
be very particular this afternoon. The guest of honor 
is Lady Agnes Agnew. I don't suppose you have ever 
been close to a member of the English aristocracy be- 
fore? 

Lady Agnes (demurely). No closer than I am this 
minute, mum. 

Mrs. Smythe (patronizingly). Well, don't lose your 
head and I've no doubt you'll do very well. (TJie door 
hell rings. Site glances at tlie clock) That's probably 
Madame Percelle, she was to be here at three-thirty. 
Send her in and ask Chloe where you can find your uni- 
form. 

Lady Agnes (respectfully). Yes, mum, very good, 
mum. [EXIT r. 

Mrs. Smythe. A very respectable person, — for one 
of the lower classes, of course! ("Madame Percelle 
hustles in door l., carrying several hags, hoxes, hundles, 
jars, packages, etc. SJie is an exaggerated person in 
very extremely stylisJi clothes, very effusive) 

Madame Percelle (flinging up Jier Jiands ecstatically 
in spite^ of tJie ohjects in tJiem, wJiicJi fly in all direc^ 
tions). Madame est tout a fait cJiarmante! Such a fig- 
ure ! Divine ! Such hair — ravishing ! Such complexion 
— Ah ! She does not need the beauty doctaire — non, non, 
vraiment! 

Mrs. Smythe (surveying Jierself complacently in tJie 
mincer). No, Madame Percelle. I cannot allow you to 
say such things! I must not allow myself to listen to 
them! 

Madame Percelle. But it is true, Madame ! You, I 
do not have to flatter as I do some of the other less for- 
tunate ladies! 



The Parlor Patriots 13 

Mrs. Smythe (sighing, much pleased). Of course, I 
am not fat and flabby like poor Cora Breckenridge-Al- 
lenby-Castleton-Jones, nor thin and scrawny like poor 
Lotta Fadde, nor pale and sallow like poor Miss Trya 
Gain. But I thank Heaven I am not vain of whatever 
natural attractions I may happen to possess. They are 
my friends — it is not their fault that they are plain, nor 
any merit that I am — what I am. (Waving her hand 
magnanimously) Say no more! Not a word! 

Madame Percelle (shrugging her shoulders as she re- 
covers most of her possessions). Mais certainment ! It 
was the — what you say the enthusiasm of the artiste! 
In my busineese I meet with so much ugliness, what 
wonder I am delight to see One si helle! (Aside as she 
follows Mrs. Smythe out n.) They all fall for eet! 
What would you? If women were not fools we beauty 
doctors would starve, Mon Dieu! ("EXITS r. as Nora 
and Flossibelle ENTER l.J 

Nora (pleading). But Miss Flossibelle, ye must put 
on a noice clane dress and sash f 'r the par-rty, thot's a 
good gur-rul. 

Flossibelle (jumping up and down heavily, toes 

turned in). I won't! I won't! I won't! I w 

(She stops abruptly as Lady Agnes in maid's costume 
appears through door r., wheeling a tea wagon piled high 
with silver, cups, napery, etc.) Who are you? 

Lady Agnes. The new maid. (She conceals a smile 
as she begins to clear off the table and arrange the things 
on it) I suppose you're Mrs. Smythe 's little girl? 

Flossibelle (rudely). You know you don't suppose 
anything of the kind. But as long as ma is only twenty- 
eight I can't very well be seventeen. I hate this foolish- 
ness, but what can I do ? 

Lady Agnes (arranging the table). There are a great 
many things that you could do. 

Flossibelle (interested). What sort of things? 

Lady Agnes (standing very straight and speaking 
dramatically, ivhile behind the scenes the strains of 
^^ America'' are faiyitly heard as she speaks). Real 
things ! Fine things ! Helpful things ! There are thou- 



14 The Parlor Patriots 

sands of sick soldiers who need nurses. The government 
is asking for girls of your age to take the training. 
Think of it — six months in some hospital and you would 
be ready to help take care of your country's brave men! 
Wouldn't that be a finer thing than dressing up in those 
silly clothes and walking in the park? 

Flossibelle (ivJio witli Nora lias drawn near and is 
listening witJi wide eyes). How splendidly you talk! 
You make me feel all queer and thrilly Jiere. (STie lays 
her Jiand on Tier lieart) Oh, do you suppose I could 
really do what you say? 

Lady Agnes (going quietly on witli Tier work of pol- 
ishing the silver). I know that you could help your 
country wonderfully. 

Flossibelle (drawing a long hreath). My — country! 
How strange I never thought of it like that before, and 
I've been singing the ''Star Spangled Banner" and 
*' America" all my life, too. 

Lady Agnes (quietly). Yes, there are a good many 

people who take their patriotism out in singing and 

hurrah-ing for their country instead of working for it. 

(The music off stage dies away) 

Flossibelle (moving toward the door r.J If I only 

dared (Looks at herself in the mirror and stamps 

her foot) Mama's pet! Angel-child! Baby-doll! 
Lambkins! I'll do it — so there! (She runs out door r. 
Nora comes closer to Lady Agnes j 

Nora. Phwat are yez annyway thot's dressed loike 
a sarvant and talks loike th ' Impress Av ' Indy ? 

Lady Agnes (quietly arranging the table). I hope 
that I am a servant. There is nothing finer to do in 
life than to try to serve other people, don't you think 
so? 

Nora. Begorra'. Oi can't say Oi iver thought av it 
thot way! T's a quare wan yez are. (She starts out, 
then hesitates) Oo don't suppose there's anything Oi 
cud be doing to hilp the country? 

Lady Agnes (cheerfully. As she speaks '^TTie Wear- 
ing of the Green' ^ is played softly off stage). Why 
not? In Ireland all the women are helping. They're 



The Parlor Patriots 15 

taking men's jobs, working in munition factories and 
carrying on the farm. If you go to the Women's War 
Board, 40 Madison Avenue, they Vvdll send you some- 
where at once where you can make gas masks or raise 
wheat or corn or potatoes to feed the hungry world. 
Wouldn't that be better than waiting on a lot of lazy, 
silly society climbers? 

Nora (dazedly). 'Tis thrue as the last wair-ruds av 

the Widder Maloney's cow. I wonder now (Slie 

goes out r., tJiinking deeply) 

Lady Agnes (looks after Iter smiling. Softly). A 
good beginning. 

Madame Percelle (Tier Jiands full of Jiair-pins, curl- 
ing tongs, poivder-puffs, etc., appears at door r. and 
looks about tJie room). Have you seen Mrs. Smeeths 
complexion about here anywhere? A little so pink, so 
small jar? Oh, la voila! (Site picks it up from tJie 
floor and is turning hack wlien Lady Agnew stops Jier) 

Lady Agnes. I suppose you 're very busy nowadays ? 

Madame Percelle (waving tlie objects in Tier Jiands 
excitedly). Mais oui! Zees idiotic — no7i, non, patriotic 
uniforms zey are ver' trying. If ze hair and ze skeen 
an' ze figure do not look just so ze effect she ees terrible ! 
All ze fat women send for me to make zem theen, and the 
theen women send for me to make zem fat. I am hex- 
haust, me! But what would you — c^est la guerre. 

Lady Agnes (softly). You are from Paris, are you 
not? 

Madame Percelle (clasping liands ftdl of objects to 
Jieart). Oui la cJiere Paris! But ze French women are 
all si belle zey do not need me zere. 

Lady Agnes (softly, going on with Tier work). They 
do need you there. I have just come from there and I 
know. 

Madame Percelle (startled). But evairy woman in 
La France ees a beauty doctaire, elle-meme. What could 
I do? 

Lady Agnes (martially, wJiile the Marseillaise is 

played softly off stage). You could do what the other 

I women of France are doing, the brave, noble women of 



1 6 The Parlor Patriots 

France. You could care for the war orphans, make 
clothes for the refugees, nurse the sick, teach the blinded 
and crippled soldiers to begin life over again. There is 
more to be done there than even the tireless, wonderful 
hands of the French women can do. There are hungry 
children to be fed, freezing babies to be clothed 'and 
homeless old people to be sheltered. And you are here 
pasting beauty plasters on the foreheads of vain women, 
dabbling with cosmetics and pink powder and curling 
tongs while your country is calling for you. (Tlie music 
swells) 

Madame Percelle (flinging out Tier arms and scatter- 
ing all tJieir contents broadcast). Mon Dieu! Helas! 
Q'est-ce-c*est ca! What have I done, what have I done? 
(Slie ruslies out r.) 

Lady Agnes (picking up the scattered tilings). And 
now for Chloe ! Some people wear their hearts on their 
sleeve, some carry theirs in their vanity cases, I shall 
know where to find hers, in her mixing bowl. (Slie EX- 
ITS L. as Mrs. Smythe and Madame Percelle rusJi in 
R. Mrs. Smythe is a piteous object — liair in pronged 
steel curlers about Iter face, chin strap about her head 
and under her chin. She is frantically clutching 
Madame Percelle ^s coat) 

Mrs. Smythe (frantically). But you can^t leave me 
this way ! At least take these things off before you go ! 
Look at my hair ! Look at my chin ! 

Madame Percelle (pulling away, dramatically). 
What ees a chin when France calls! Non! Non! Not 
un moment do I remain more ! 

Mrs. Smythe (wildly). Have pity! Think what this 
afternoon's affair means to me — I shall be the joke of 
the town 

Madame Percelle (rushing out h.). Au revoir! 
- Mrs. Smythe (blankly). She's gone — she's actually 
gone ! (She looks at the clock) In a few moments they 
will be here. If Cora Jones sees me this way I shall 
never hear the last of it. And Lady Agnes Agnew. 
(Groans) And Mrs. Junius K. Astorbilt! (Groans) 

Chloe f ENTERING door r. in hat and coat and tug- 



The Parlor Patriots 17 

ging a valise). Ah 'm leabin' yo' Missus. (As she talks 
"Dixie'' is softly played off stage) Ah'm going fo' to 
cook at one ob clem dere canteen places fo' de soldiers. 
What dem no-count slack- twisted No 'them gals know 
'bout cookin'? Ah wouldn't wish fo' nothing wusser 
fo' dat pizen Kaiser critter dan to eat dere cookin'! 
Ah may be old an' humly an' brack as de ace ob spabes 
but Ah's an American, praise de Lord! An' Ah. kin 
cook for my country if Ah cain't tote a gun. 

Mrs. Smythe (wildly). But the sandwiches and 
the salad and the cakes for the tea? 

Chloe {cheerily, going l.). If dey's hungry dere's 
bread and butter and a knuckle ob ham in the pantry. 
Good-bye, missus! (^EXITS l. The door hell rings) 

Mrs. Smythe (ivildly). They're beginning to comet 
(^Lady Agnes ENTERS) Hobbs, see if you can get me 
out of this chin strap. (They tug at it without success) 
Oh, I am undone ! I am undone ! 

Lady Agnes (concealing a smile). I'm afraid that 
you're not undone, mum. Why not put a scarf around 
your head and say you have the toothache? 

Mrs. Smythe (wildly). No ! No ! (Bell rings again) 
Yes! Yes! [EXIT r. 

Lady Agnes (looking after her). I could almost be 
sorry for her in spite of her flimsy ambitions. (Grows 
stern) But no! These women who put on the garb of 
patriotism just to attract attention and get into the 
papers should be shown no mercy. They deserve a les- 
son in humiliation. (She goes out l., returning with 
Gladys Gusher, a mannishly dressed reporter, with 
note-hook in hand) 

Gladys Gusher (handing her card). Gladys Gusher 
of the Daily Gahhle. 

Lady Agnes (taking it). Yes, mum? I'll tell the 
lady. (She goes out r.) 

Gladys {stalking ahout the room and taking notes). 
H 'm, rotten taste ! Looks like a Fourth Avenue Second- 
hand shop. (Takes notes) ''The palatial residence of 
this celebrated society favorite." (Looks at a vase) 
Woolworth. (Taking notes) "Priceless objects d'art 



1 8 The Parlor Patriots 

garnered from, all corners of the globe with the- rare 
taste of a connoisseur." (Glances at the pictures, sneer- 
ing) Daubs! Look like cigarette coupon premiums! 
(Takes notes) ''Exquisite paintings from the brushes 
of the world's most celebrated artist. (Reads over 
notes) ''Exquisite — rare — priceless" — Piffle! This ly- 
ing for a living is beginning to get on my nerves. 

Mrs. Smythe RENTERS, door r., agitatedly, a scarf 
wound about lier head and tied under her chin, other- 
wise stylishly dressed. Shaking hands). Delighted, my 
dear Miss Slusher, I'm sure. 

Gladys (correcting her). Gusher! 
Mrs. Smythe (still nervously shaking hands). Yes, 
yes, of course ! You must excuse me, Miss — er — Musher, 
if I appear a trifle upset. I am suffering from a severe 
attack of neuralgia. 

Gladys (poising pencil over pad). Now for the inter- 
view. 

Mrs. Smythe. You know Miss — er — Crusher, I am 

very reluctant to speak of myself 

Gladys (business like). Of course. Of course. I 
have all that written down already. (Refers to her 
notes) Let's see, here it is, "I have always shunned 
publicity," smiled the charming society favorite, "but 
1 feel that it is now my duty to overcome my reluctance 
and throw aside all foolish modesty for patriotic consid- 
erations. ' ' 

Mrs. Smythe (rather dazedly). How remarkable. 
That is precisely what I intended to say! Miss — er — 

Blusher 

Gladys (grimly). Then I've saved you the trouble 
of saying it. Now for a few questions. (Taking notes) 
What is your age, Mrs. Smythe, if it is not asking too 
much? (Aside) It's certainly asking a good deal. 

Mrs. Smythe (simpering). Not at all, Miss Flusher. 
I am twenty-eight, though I am sure you never would 
believe it! 

Gladys (dryly). No, I never should believe it! (The 
door R. opens to adynit Flossibelle in groiun-up clothes, 
carrying a bag, followed by Nora in suit and hat, also 
carrying a bag) 



The Parlor Patriots 19 

Flossibelle. Oh, here you are, mother. ("Mrs. 
Smythe liolds out her Jiand without looking up) 

Gladys (staring). Is this your daughter, Mrs. 
Smythe? 

Mrs Smythe (smiling sweetly). Yes, this is my little 
pet, my baby, my Flossibelle. (She looks up, and shrieks 
at the change in her daughter's appearance) Flossie. 
What have you done ? What have you done ? 

Flossibelle (quietly). I've grown up, mother. I'm 
sorry, but it's no use. There's so much work to be done 
in the world and I'm going to do my share of it. I start 
training at the New York Hospital this afternoon. Good- 
bye, mother. I'll run in and see you when I have a 
free hour! (Slie goes toward door h.) 

Nora (follows Flossibelle, and turning at door and 
looking hack). Ye '11 not be nadin a nurse gurrul anny 
longer Oi 'm thinkin ', so Oi '11 lave yez, too, madam. Oi 'm 
going to wurruk on a farm and do me bit for me coun- 
try, so good-bye! (She EXITS l. after Flossibelle) 

Mrs. Smythe (collapsing on the divan, feebly) I'm 
sure I don't know what you will think. Miss — ah — 
Husher ! 

Gladys (grimly). Oh, I never think. I wouldn't be 
a success as a newspaper writer if I did! (The door 
hell rings. Lady Agnes ENTERS r. to answer it) 

Mrs. Smythe (taking her aside). Answer the bell, 
then go to the kitchen and make tea and sandwiches — 
ham sandwiches. 

Lady Agnes (going to door r.). Yes, mum. (She 
ushers in Miss Trya Gain, Mrs. Lotta Fadde and Mrs. 
Cora Jones and EXITS door r.) 

Mrs. Smythe (introducing them to Gladys j. Mrs. 
Cora Breckenridge-Allenby-Castleton-Jones, President 
of ''The Pink Tea for Pale Lieutenants Association," 
Mrs. Lotta Fadde, Major General of ''The League for 
Providing Embroidered Pyjamas for Commissioned Of- 
ficers," and Miss Trya Gain, Secretary of "The As- 
sociation for Smoothing the Foreheads of Wounded 
Heroes," let me introduce Miss Rusher of the Daily 
Gahhle! 



20 The Parlor Patriots 

All (in cliorus). Charmed to meet you, Miss Usher. 

Gladys (writing). Mmmm-mm. ''Ladies who are de- 
voting their beauty and talents to war work" — mmm — 
''prominent in patriotic endeavor" 

Miss Trya Gain (gnsMngly). Ah, when I think we 
are to meet dear Lady Agnes Agnew my heart flutters 
like a little bird. (Site lays lier Jiands on Tier cliest) 
Like a little timid, new-fledged bird. 

Cora (to Mrs. SmytheJ. But, my dear, you look so 
extremely — extreme ! I hope there 's nothing wrong ! 

Mrs. Smythe (laughing desperately). No, no, a 
mere toothache 

Cora (cattisJily). My dear, you don't mean to tell 
me your dentist made yours so natural that they can 
actually acJie. The wonders of science are beyond be- 
lief. (Tlie hell rings. Lady Agnes ENTERS door r., 
crosses to door l. and iisliers in Hobbs, as Lady Agnew, 
arrayed in an amazing tilted ostrich liat, yellow gloves 
and weird gown which is absolutely covered with medals, 
rihhons and orders) 

Lady Agnes (announcing her). Lady Agnes Agnew. 

Mrs. Smythe (rushing effusively forward). Ah, 
Lady Agnes, this is an honor, indeed, to welcome you 
beneath my humble roof. 

Hobbs (loudly). Hi sye, none o^ that spoofin'. Yer 
mykin' gyme of me, that's wot. (She ENTERS, jingling 
as she moves and looks about her, hands clasped behind 
her back) Rippin' plyce you've got 'ere. H'i h 'expect 
h'it caust yer the bloomin' h'eyes h'out of yer 'ead — 
wot? (^Lady Agnes, wlio has been lingering at the door 
L., puts her handkerchief to her mouth) 

Ijady AG:t^Y.s (muffled). Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Mrs. Smythe (sternly). Hobbs! Bring in the tea 
wagon at once. 

Lady Agnes (trying not to laugh as she passes Hobbs J. 
Yes, mum. Ha- ha-ha! (She runs out r.) 

Mrs. Smythe (pushing forward a chair). Do sit 
down, dear Lady Agnew and permit me to introduce my 
friends, Mrs. Lotta Fadde, Miss Trya Gain, Cora 
Breckenridge-Castleton-Allenby-Jones, and Miss — er — 
Squasher ! 



The Parlor Patriots 21 

All (in chorus). Honored, I'm sure. 

HoBBS (loudly). Eight-o! H'i 'opes H'i sees yer 
h'all in good 'ealth. Beastly weather, wot? Oh, rotten, 
quite ! 

Mrs. Lotta Fadde (aside, gushingly). So delight- 
fully English! So aristocratic! 

Miss Trya Gain (clasping her hands romantically). 
Oh, do tell us, dear Lady Agnew, how you left that 
charming creature, the queen? ^Lady Agnes appears 
with the tea wagon) 

HoBBS. H'o, 'er 'Ighness wos feelin' a bit balmy, 
rawther. The 'eat H'i suppose! ("Lady Agnes hands 
tea, trying not to smile. Hobbs speaks aside as she takes 
a cup) Ow h'am H'i doing h'it, my lydy? 

Lady Agnes (aside). Splendidly! (To her) Sugar 
and cream, Lady Agnew? 

HoBBS. Both^ me good girl. H'i tykes me tea with 
h'all the trimmings. Wot's that you 'ave there? 'Am 
sandwiches! (She helps herself to one in each hand, 
and takes large hites out of each alternately ) Well, 
this 'ere's a little bit 0' h'all right, wot? H'as the Duke 
of Pokes-Togis h 'often said to me, ''there's nothin' like 
'am for the innards, ' ' 'ee sys. 

Cora (awed, aside). The Duke of Pokes-Togis, did 
you hear that? 

Mrs. Smythe (aside to Gladys j. One of the oldest 
and most noble families in England. Don't forget — 
(Pointing) — ''decorated by all the crowned heads of 
Europe!" 

Gladys (grimly). Do you suppose I could forget deco- 
rations like that ? They'll haunt me all my life. (Aside) 
Of all the atrocities committed in this war that hat is 
the worst. 

Lotta Fadde (to Mrs. Smythej. But I thought, my 
dear, that Mrs. Astorbilt was to be here? 

Mrs. Smythe. I'm expecting her any moment. (A 
ring at the door hell) That must be she now! (^Lady 
Agnes goes out and returns with Mrs. Astorbilt, a 
plainly dressed, middle-aged woman, carrying a hand- 
hag) 



22 The Parlor Patriots 

Lady Agnes (announcing). Mrs. Junius K. Astor- 
bilt! fHoBBS starts, looks about and seems much agi- 
tated. SJie glances about as tJiougJi meditating flight) 

Mrs. Smythe (rushing forward). Mrs. Astorbilt! I 
have long anticipated the moment of seeing you beneath 
my humble roof. 

Mrs. Astorbilt (shaking hands pleasantly). That's 
very good of you. Sorry I was so late, but I was de- 
layed at the Eed Cross workrooms. There was a hurry 
order came in this morning and as usual we were short 
of workers. (Looks at her keenly) By the way, Mrs. 
Smythe, I don't remember to have seen you there. 

Mrs. Smythe (abashed). No — with my other patri- 
otic duties I have hardly had the time for — h'm — prac- 
tical details 

Mrs. Astorbilt (glancing about). Nor the rest of 
these ladies. Tut, Tut! Every woman in the country 
ought to be doing war work these days. Why, I made 
my own bed this morning so that my chambermaid could 
finish the sweater she was working on. 

Mrs. Smythe. Ah, but they a?'e doing war work, Mrs. 
Astorbilt. Permit me to introduce Cora Breckenridge- 
Allenby-Castleton-Jones, Head of ''The Pink Tea for 
Pale Lieutenants Association," and Mrs. Lotta Fadde, 
*' Major General of the League for Providing Embroid- 
ered Pyjamas for Commissioned Officers," and Miss Trya 
Gain 

Trya Gain (gushingly). ''Secretary of the Society 
for Smoothing the Foreheads of Wounded Heroes. ' ' 

Mrs. Astorbilt (dryly). Oh, I see ! And Lady Ag- 
new? 

Mrs. Smythe (leading her proudly to the shrinking 
HoBBSJ. A proud moment of my life when I can intro- 
duce two such celebrated women. Mrs. Junius K. Astor- 
bilt — Lady Agnes Agnew. 

Mrs. Astorbilt (holding out her hand). How do 
you — (Pausesy staring at the cowering Hobbsj 

HoBBS (much agitated). H'i didn't know you was 

coming, Mrs. H 'Astorbilt. H'if you'll h 'excuse me 

(Edging away) 



The Parlor Patriots 23 

Mrs. AsTORBihT (angrily). Of all things! ^^0 Mrs. 
Smythe; Who do you think this person is? 
Mrs. Smythe (faltering). Why, Lady—Agnes— Ag- 

new— decorated by all the crowned heads of Europe 

Mrs. Astorbilt. Nonsense ! You are being imposed 
upon ! This is Harriett Hobbs, a parlor maid whom I 
discharged three months ago for spilling iced lemonade 
down the back of one of my guests. (General conster- 
nation. Mrs. Smythe sinks into a cliair. Lady Agnes 
tn tJie doorivay looks on enjoyingly. Gladys Gusher 
seizes lier pencil, hriglitening ) 

Gladys. What a story this will make. '^Society 
Climber Fetes Parlor Maid. ' '—Everyone in New York 
will want a copy of the Gahhle to-morrow. 

Mrs. Smythe (wringing her liands). We shall be the 
laughing stock of the town. We can never live this 
down — never ! 

Lady Agnes (coming forward quietly). May I be 
allowed to make a suggestion, mum? ("Mrs. Smythe 
nods) Possibly if to-morrow's paper could announce 
a substantial contribution to the Red Cross from all the 
ladies present they would see their way clear to omit 
the — hm — story of the tea. 

All (eagerly to Gladys J. Oh, would you? 

Gladys (tJiougJit fully). Hm, I suppose the Red Cross 

needs all it can get 

Lm)y Agnes (speaking passionately, the ''Star Spang- 
led Banner'' sounding softly off stage as she does so) 
1 he Red Cross needs money, but it needs workers more 
Not women to play cards for it or get up bazaars for it 
not women to dress in costume and stand on the streets 
where they can be admired and won't have to do any 
hard work. It needs women who will put their time 
their strength, the thoughts of their brains, the love of 
their hearts generously into the great womanly task of 
providing bandages and supplies for the comfort and 
healing of a sick world. It needs workers, not shirkers 
it needs (Pointing to them) you! ' 

Miss Trya Gain (wiping her eyes). I didn't realize 
— I never dreamed 



24 The Parlor Patriots 

Mrs. Fadde and Cora Jones (togetlier). Nor I! 

Mrs. Smythe (to Gladys Gusher ;. You needn't put 
my name on the announcement of that donation. Just 
say from ''A Friend." 

Gladys (rising). I 'm afraid there won't be any men- 
tion of it in the paper to-morrow unless you put it in. 
I have decided to write no more silly sob stories while 
the world is at war. If they will take me I am going 
to join the Y. W. C. A. Ambulance Corps. 

Mrs. Smythe (clapping). And we'll go to the Red 
Cross rooms with Mrs. Astorbilt, won't we, girls? 

All (in cliorus). Yes! I should say so! Yes, in- 
deed ! 

Mrs. Astorbilt (to Lady Agnes J. It seems to me I 
recognize you? Didn't we meet 

Lady Agnes (smiling and putting out lier hand). At 
the Countess of W ickersham 's House Party five years 
ago ? Yes, I believe we did. Agnes Agnew is my name. 

All (in amazed cliorus). Lady Agnes AgneAv! 

Lady Agnes (appealingly to Mrs. SmytheJ. I hope 
you will forgive me for this deception. But you see I 
have seen so much suffering, and so much need over 
there on the other side. It made me a little angry to 
think that there were v/omen who were using the war as 
a means of getting into society or into the newspapers 
(The ivar ivorkers look at cacli otJier, ashamed) and so 
I made up my mind to teach you a little lesson 

Mrs. Smythe (taking her hand). I am sure I needed 
it for one. I hope you will forget your unlucky first im- 
pression of us and let us prove to you that we can be 
useful after all ! 

Lady Agnes (shaking hands cordially tvith all). In- 
deed, I am sure of that already. This afternoon has 
taught me a lesson, too. (She touched the apron she 
wears) It proves you can't trust appearances. There 
are brave, loyal, true, hearts often hidden under the 
costumes of parlor maids and — parlor patriots! 

Curtain. 



FEMALE CHARACTERS 



CBANFOKD DAMES 

Play in One Act. Eight or Fourteen Females 

By Alice Byington 

Two Interior scenes. Costumes of sixty years ago, A clever adap> 

tatJon of Mrs. Gaskell's " Cranford," which is perhaps one of the 

finest pieces of humoristic writing within the range of English fiction. 

Plays one and a half hours. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



MURDEB WILL OUT 

Farce in One Act. Six Females 
By L. M. Elwyn 
One Interior scene. A breezy and effective farce in which half a 
tfozen bright girls can delight an audience with half an hour of 
Innocent fun. Grandmother Stiles and her demure but frolicsome 
granddaughter are excellent characters ; Dinah, the colored cooIj, is 
amusing, and Bridget O'Flaherty is a funny Irish girl — her quarrel 
with Dinah being exceedingly laughable. Plays thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

* - !■ I I , I I I . , |-tt 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. ; OR, THE LADY DOCTOR 

Farce in One Act. Seven Females 
By L. M. C. Armstrong 
Plain Interior scene. An exceedingly bright piece for young ladies. 
In which young Dr. Gertrude, already a victim of circumstances, is 
made the victim of a practical joke. Plays thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



MAIDENS ALL PORLORN 

Comedy in Three Acts. Six Females 
By Evelyn Simms 
Scene, a parlor in a seaside cottage. Three young girls, chafing 
under the monotony of a man-forsaken resort, write Teddy to come 
and visit them. Teddy cannot come but answers that his friend. Dr. 
Jocelyn Denby, will come and help while away the time. Great prep- 
arations are made for his reception, including much interest by a 
maiden Aunt. Each prepares a present to bestow on the Doctor and 
feigns an ailment to interest him. The Doctor arrives — a woman. 
Plays one hour. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

PLACE AUX DAMES; OR, THE LADIES SPEAK 

AT LAST 

Shakespearian sketch in One Act. Four Females 
One plain interior scene. Four of Shakespeare's heroines, Portia, 
Juliet, Ophelia and Lady Macbeth, find themselves at a watercure 
where they discuss their husbands. A clever burlesque, long a favorite 
and now published for the first time at a popular price. Plays forty- 
five minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

THE ROMANCE OF PHYULIS 

Comedy in Three Acts. Four Females 
By ETvelyn Simms 

One interior scene. A capital little play offering four well co», 
traeted parts of nearly equal value and strength. Plays one hour. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



FEMALE CHARACTEES 



-"••— i' ^fff 



PEHEGBINATIONS OF FOLLY 

Comedietta in One Aet. Three Females 
By Helen P. Kane 

One plain Interior scene. Polly and Margaret, bachelor maidSj 
being invited to attend a musicale, determine to exchange escorts. The 
result may not have been such as was intended, but certainly was one 
to have been expected. The dialogue throughout is brilliant and 
snappy, the action quick, thus ensuring a success for this bright 
sketch. Plays forty-five minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

THE BAINBOW KIMONA ' 

Comedy in Two Acts. Nine Females 
By Eleanor Maud Crane 
One Interior scene. The Rainbow Kimona is a club composed of 
seven of the Senior Class, each member wearing a kimona representing 
one of the colors of the rainbow. In a small apartment an entertain* 
ment is arranged in which each girl assumes a leading character in 
one of Shakespeare's plays, burlesqued in outrageously comical style. 
The whole thing is a medley of the most amusing kind. Plays one 
and a half hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

OUTWITTED ' 

Society SketcJi t» One Act. Three Females 
One interior scene. Two of the girls twit each other about the 
attentions of a handsome young army oflBcer at a ball the night 
previous, each covertly aiming to outwit the other. It transpires later 
that the officer has had a little tiff with another girl to whom he was 
engaged, and his attentions were merely side-play. For cutting but 
polite sarcasm this sketch is rarely equalled. Plays twenty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CETNTS 

THE FUTURE LADY HOLLAND ' 

Comedy in Three Acts. Four Females 
By Helen P. Kane 
One interior scene. The dowager Lady Holland has arranged that 
her niece, Diana, should marry Lester, the present Lord Holland, son 
of the dowager. To that end she directs another niece, Yvonne, to 
devote herself to Stacy Brent, thus throwing Diana and Lester to- 
gether. How successful her scheme proves is told in the climax. 
Plays one and a half hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

TOM'S ARmVAL 

Play in One Act. Three Females 
One interior scene. Three maiden ladies, learning by wire that 
Tom is to arrive, make different arrangements for his comfort. The 
surprising arrival of Tom creates consternation in the little household 
and the audience is kept out of the secret until the last moment. 
Plays twenty-five minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

' THE CONSFIRATORS 

Comedy in Ttco Acts. Twelve Females 
By Evelyn Simms 
One Interior scene. A clever little comedy showing how the Senior 
Class girls got the best of Miss Primleigh. Sparkling throughout* 
Plays about forty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 

^^™^^»^-^— »^— — — — - 

THE COWARD 

A dramatic episode in 1 act, by Taylor Ewen. 5male, 3 female characters. 
1 interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. A small-cast Western sketch so 
often desired. Arthur Royce, a telegraph operator in a Western state, a 
former Harvard student, now in league with two road agents, holds up the 
Overland Limited. Ongua, an Indian also a Hai-vard man who was basely 
treated by Royce while at Cambridge, is aware of his connection with the 
hold-up. What the road agents do and how Royce is saved by the Indian 
is dramatically told in this little sketch. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

' HIS DINNER FOR TWO 

A playlet in 1 act, by Franklin Johnston. 1 male, 1 female character. 1 
Interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. The perplexities of a young poet 
and his wife in financial distress. He discovers that their very last possible 
dinner is barely sufficient for one. To make sure that his wife shall have 
it alone, he pretends to have an engagement with friends. She, unaware 
of his self-denial, gets a little jealous of his preferring the society of 
friends and leaving her alone. He suddenly- obtains lucrative employment 
and returns to tell her of it. A mere sketch^ but admirably elaborated, and 
a charming analysis of individual character. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 
A CHANCE AT MIDNIGHT ' 

A dramatic episode in 1 act, by Charles Stuart. 2 males, 1 female, and a 
non-speaking part for a five-year-old child. 1 interior scene. Time, 25 
minutes. A powerful, dramatic sketch, wherein is told how a scoundrel 
attempts to blackmail a wife, and is foiled by an escaped convict. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

THE COON AND THE CHINK ^"^ 

A vaudeville sketch In 1 act, by Walter Carter. 2 male characters. 1 
Simple interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes if played straight, or longer 
according to dancing or singing specialties-which may be introduced. This 
)s a very bright dialogue between a negro and a Chinaman. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE " 

A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by George M. Eosener. 2 male, 1 female 
character. 1 simple interior scene. Time, about 45 minutes. A very clever 
little skit in which the pathetic and humorous are happUy blended. The 
role of Lindy, the reporter, offers great scope for a bright, vivacious actress. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A GENTLE TOUCH 

A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Katharine Kavanaugh. 1 male, 1 female 
character. 1 interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. Costumes modern. 
A very bright little cross-fire sketch between a retired major and a jolly 
soubrette. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

A VAGABOND COUPLE 

A vaudeville sketch in l act, by James Swelmler. 2 male characters, t 
plain interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. A screamingly funny ohM^ 
acter sketch with opportunity for songs and specialties. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



FEMALE CHARACTERS 



RECEPTION DAY AT THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE 

An ontertainment in 1 act, by Agnes C. Ruggeri. Can be played by 12 or 
16 female characters. 1 interior scene, simple or elaborate, as desired. 
Time, if played straight, 1 hour, op can be lengthened if specialties are 
introduced. The managers of the "New Thought Settlement House ' ' invite 
their friends, nominally to inspect the building, but incidentally to induce 
some financial support. Among the visitors are German and Irish char- 
acters, suffragists, etc., some in favor of and others opposed to the move- 
ment, all widely contrasted and all good. This play has been presented 
several times for some of New York's largest churches and always with 
gieaX success. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A DAY AND A NIGHT 

A comedy in 2 acts, by Agnes C Rugger!. 1 female characters. 1 interior 
scene. Time, about 1 hour. Modern costumes. Dorothy, an idealist on the 
subject of boarding houses, advertises as about to open a cozy, comfortablo 
home for members of her down-trodden sex. The applicants, including a 
suffragist, a demonstrator, an actress and a singer, are of such different 
classes that great scope is given for character impersonations. Jennie, the 
waitress, and Mammy Sue, the colored cook, have strong comedy parts. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

ROSEMARY 

A play in 4 acts, by Arolyn Caverly Cutting. 14 female characters. 1 
Interior scene, plain or elaborate, as may be desired. Time, li hours. Par- 
ticularly adapted for girls' high schools. The action of the play occurs in 
Boston. The cast, including as it does two Southern girls, a prim Boston 
matron, an old darkey mammy, an Irish maid, the "twinnies" and the 
Other Boston residents, gives great scope for character acting. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A CONVERTED SUFFRAGIST 

A play in 1 act, by Katharine Kavanaugh. 3 female characters. 1 easy 
Interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. Modern costumes. An excellent 
opportunity for a clever dialect comedienne, as an old dackey mammy has 
a very effective role and is quite important in developing the unexpected 
climax. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

THE WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA 

A romantic drama in 2 acts and an after scene, by Helen P. Kane. 4 
female characters. Plain interior scene. Time, about 46 minutes. Easily 
produced. An absorbing story of a child who has been stolen by the Indians 
and her restoration after many years. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

A LESSON IN ELEGANCE 

A play In 1 act, by Bernard Herbert. 4 female characters. Parlor scene. 
Modern costumes. Time, 30 minutes. A bright little society play, wit* 
ftumerous keen witticisms at the expense of ultra-fashionable people. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



MILITARY PLAYS 

'25 CENTS EACH 

BY THE EJ^EMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10* 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 214 hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; 1)^ hours 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 

LITTLE S AVAG E . 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 8 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 9 3 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 214 hours 8 4 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 21^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

GREAT AVINTERSON MINE. 3Act8;2hours 6 4 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 5 2 

^VHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3Acts;2hours 4 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 hour... 6 3 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH' S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 19 15 

JAPANESE ^VEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; I14 hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; IJ^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN ^VALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

SUCCESSOR TO 
DICK 86 FITZGERALD, 18 Vesey Street, N. Y. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

016 102 581 1 * 



COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 

25 CENTS EACH 

X. y. 

BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4Act8;2hours « 8 

BUTTERNUT'S BllIDE. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 11 6 

COL.LEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 8 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2>^ hours 8 6 

DELEGATES EROM DEIi'VER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 8 10 

DOCTOR Br COURTESY. 3Acts;2hours « 5 

E ASTSIDE RS, The. 8 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED FROM THE I.AW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2H liours 6 8 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 6 8 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; li^ hours 4 6 

JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 2)^ hours 6 8 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2V^ hours 9 6 

MY U'NCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 13 4 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 4 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 5 3 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2}^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 5 3 

WHAT'S NEXT ? 3 Acts; 2)4 hours 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 2}^ hours 4 8 

WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Act8;2hours 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. SActs; 2^ hours 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3Act8;2hour8 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours ... 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours: 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 9 3 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

SUCCESSOR TO 
DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Vesey Street, N. Y. 




LIBRARY OLSS 




nTl02 581 1 4 



